Tuesday, April 19, 2011

After a Long Day, the restless, wandering thoughts come about

Actually,  I really have nothing in life to fret about. There is nothing I desire in which I cannot have, except self-fulfillment. The simplest tasks seem daunting and impossible to me, most times. I lack the enthusiasm to better myself, as well as the motivation. I am not too sure of the reasons behind this most unfortunate problem. My cup runs over with motivation from family and friends, and I know myself to be a better person than this. I feel like I have disappointed so many people, sometimes I feel like I try too hard to help people reach their potential by throwing my life and path to the side and focusing only on others and their problems. The things I need most right now are to harness the power of time and activate infinite monetary values. This would be most helpful, perhaps I could buy myself the future I desire for myself, my family, and my friends.

I do make mistakes. I make small mistakes, and I have made monstrous mistakes. I have made mistakes I've learned from, and I have made mistakes I will feel guilty about for the rest of my living days. I have made mistakes I have grown from, I have made mistakes that burn my soul each and every day, and make me wish I had more control over myself. I've taken short-cuts, and I have taken the long way. I have taken the high road, and the road of shame and defeat. I have shown my emotions, and I have lied about my feelings.  I need to be honest, but how can I when I can't even be honest with myself? I know what I need to be doing, and the path I should be taken, so why can't I just look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that things will work themselves out in due time? Why can't I just let go of all the hurt and madness inside of me that has been building up from past situations, and start fresh, without a second glance behind me into my past? I have a stern belief that things, in fact, happen for a reason, however, I don't embrace in the way I should.

Sometimes people see me as this person who is fun and energetic and always up for a good time. They see a crazy girl that doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. They think she's intimidating. They see a chick that loves sci-fi, a total nerd, and somewhat of a gamer. Those things are true, and then some.

*These types of blogs will be few and far between because I don't like expressing my thoughts revealing my emotions and feelings.

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